Take It As A Sign

What if we carried around what we were? I was thinking about this as I waited on the platform for the next train. I stood there, cymbals and bass pedal in my purse, stick bag looped around my body, holding my high hat stand. At that point, I was a drummer. I was on my way to band practice. As I waited impatiently a man joined my area on the platform, carrying a computer keyboard. This guy was a nerd. This is not a blatant stereotype, he spoke to me, I know. What if we all carried around indications of what we are? An extension of ourselves. Like wearing our hearts on our sleeves. What if we were surrounded by orbs of what we were thinking, feeling, doing? What if we were transparent? Take away the mystery, confusion, trust, lies, honesty, sharing, and what would we have?

The Color Purple

Purple has been a prominent color in my life recently. When my hair color got messed up, it turned purple. When I bought a new black shirt and wore it to work that night, my skin turned purple. I don't know the relevance of these things happening, or what this whole purple thing means, but I'm kind of hoping that purple stops resulting from mistakes.

Size DOES Matter

This post is about size. Specifically, clothing manufacturer's sizes. Recently I set out to purchase new underwear. I went to the store, and embarked towards the "medium" size section as usual. I found a very cute pattern an pulled it off the rack. Holding it in front of me, I thought I was holding the clothes of a doll. How would anyone except to fit any adult female into these undergarments, I had no idea. Especially while avoiding the fashion faux pas muffin tops, panty lines, and so forth. I started going through the whole section, and all of the panties were this way! I purchased three pairs of underwear: all larges. One of which is still a bit snug.

For those of you that know me, I am not a large person. I have been underweight my entire life. Why, pray tell, are the panties that fit my bottom larges? What do the people larger than me wear? Most importantly, what is this telling us as women? If my 5'6" 117lb. body is considered large, what is normal? Are these panty companies making clothes for the anorexic and under nourished?

It isn't just panty companies either. Clothing companies are even more to blame. Over the past ten years, women's clothing sizes have changed. This could make sense if one takes into account that the average weight of a female adult has gone up. This would, then, make sense if the pants sizes had gotten bigger. They haven't. They have gotten smaller. Size 6 is now the new size 4 and so on. Why do sizes have to change. European clothing sizes have it right. They are a number, yes: The number of inches. In America we get so obsessed with an arbitrary number that may or may not be descriptive of a size. If your waist is 27inches, you wear a size 27. 28 if you like some room. Easy. Sizes that are based on real sizes. With the continuous changing of American sizes, with them being smaller and smaller, it is no wonder eating disorders and body-view disorders are so prevelant. Young women today are falling victim to this day after day. Size DOES matter, and that little number can kill a girl on the inside.

Expectations

I am exclusively dating someone. He is wonderful. But when he said he wanted to be exclusively dating and not boyfriend and girlfriend, I freaked out. I got very upset. We argued and discussed, and all is well. That night I did some thinking. During this thinking I realized this I don't even want a serious relationship. I want exactly what I have-someone who makes me happy, with whom I can spend my time, who cares about me, and is with just me. So why was I so upset? It amazes me how much pressure is instantly put on a relationship before it even starts. I was upset because that's what society tells me I should want. I should want to jump right into a serious relationship, get married, make babies. But I don't want that! I jeopardized something that makes me happy for what other people think I want! Ludicrous. I don't want a serious relationship. I am going through so many changes, quite a bit of stress, why do I want to add more? No. I will not fall into expectations. I am happy with what I have, and I don't want anymore.


You make me use bad grammar.

When It Rains, It Pours.

And no, I'm not specifically speaking to the weather, though that hasn't been great either. When things go wrong, it seems like everything starts to go wrong. Nothing going on in my life is insurmountable, but things pretty much suck. Lets take a look at the goings on in my life:

Positive (+):
-ran into my ex boyfriend- Normally, this would seem to be in the wrong category. This time, however, it brightened my day. Things ended very poorly, and it always bothered me that w never reconciled; I hate leaving things on bad terms. Now, however, its all in the past and we're hanging out again. I had forgotten how much fun we can have together.

Neutral (0):
-Moving to Pittsburgh in 13 days- For anyone who even kind of knows me, this would definitely seem to be in the wrong category. I am very excited to move. The move, however, also carries a lot of stress and worries. I'm really going to miss people here. As per usual, just when I'm about to lave somewhere, I start hanging out with more people. Friendships are rekindling or are as strong as ever. Its really hard knowing that I'm leaving here for good. I'm leaving a lot of people that really mean a lot to me. I know that Pittsburgh will mak me happy, and that I have great friends there, and there are so many experiences in front of me, but it is always hard to say goodbye.

Negative (-):
-Not having a teaching job- This is not completely definite, but it looks like I will not have a teaching job next year. Due to some things going on with the Pittsburgh City School District, my job options have been diminished. I still don't have my NY or PA certification, or even my FBI clearance, so jobs are not terribly likely.
-Not getting the counselor job at the Western PA School for the Deaf- I was kind of banking and looking forward to getting this job as a counselor, and that was just dashed today
-Surgery tomorrow- I'm going in for an outpatient surgery tomorrow, related to my last post I will be undergoing LEEP which should just be thrilling.
-Other assorted body problems- including bother wrists hurting, one from trying to break into my own house and one from walking into the display at game stop. The humidity is getting to my joints, and it is all compounded by me being miserable.

I realize that there are more benefits than have been listed, but when you're down its hard to see the flip side. It would be awesome if I could have a good day.

Sorry to be a Debby Downer, but sometimes I just need to let it all out.

Womanhood

This post may hold a bit more information than some of you need. You were warned.

Nobody likes the gynecologist. I have not met a single person who likes the gynecologist. At best its a "doesn't bother me" Now, you wouldn't think anyone likes going to any kind of medical appointment. I used to like going to the dentist. He was funny, and I got balloon animals up until the age of 20. I liked it.

The gynecologist, I have found, is a necessary evil. You always hear that you should go and get regular paps to prevent cancer, blah, blah, blah. You should.

I won't go into too many details, but my regular check up has kept me from getting cancer. Its nothing to worry about, and I'm fine, but they found pre-cancerous lesions, also known as type 1 or mild dysplasia. Weird, right? It happens. It's not a big deal. Have an abnormal pap? Don't ignore it. Don't like the gynecologist? Suck it up.

Not only does this carry th normal stress of anything pre-cancerous, it holds an added bit of stress. My vagina is a physical representation of my womanhood. It is what makes me, biologically, a woman. Having a problem down there makes me feel..violated. Who gave those lesions permission to be down there? Its an almost sacred part of my body, my womanhood.

I will be fine. I have a better appreciation for the nuisance of the gynecologist, and you should too. Sure, it may be uncomfortable, and maybe it will be improved upon. But its better than the alternative. My womanhood, both physical and metaphorical, will heal.

Back to Blog

Greetings, all!

Back to blog for me. I had left for a while, but I am taking my recently graduated state as an opportunity to get back to blogging and hopefully stick with it this time.

Most recently of note, I have scheduled an interview with the Western Pennsylvania School for the Deaf for the position of camp counselor. If I get the job I will work their one week camp program; this would be a great opportunity for me.

I will be moving to Pittsburgh the second week of July, most likely early in the week. More details on that will follow.

That's about it. I'll be around blogging more, I hope.

ciao.